18 January 2006

My very first top ten list

Ok, so some of these aren't very good. It's late and I'm tired. Come up with better ones and I'll replace mine with appropriate credit.

Speaking of appropriate credit, thanks to someone for pointing out #1 and thus indirectly giving me the idea.

Top Ten Signs an Author Shouldn't Attempt Sex Scenes

10. Learned romantic banter from Michael and/or Brewfan.
9. Writes with the Disney Channel in the background, not realizing they are showing a "Zorro" marathon.
8. Keeps muttering about "skill ranks" in "seduction." (Contributed by someone)
7. Likes fun variations on strip poker, such as strip chess and strip Boggle.
6. Relies upon a dictionary that is missing page 698, on which the crucial word "placate" is defined.
5. Failed the biology test over human reproduction while cruising to an easy A on the test over differential calculus.
4. Can't understand what was so romantic about The Notebook.
3. Has only Harry Potter fan fiction as a frame of reference.
2. In high school economics class, devised a striptease move based on using one's arms to represent aggregate supply and aggregate demand.

And the #1 sign an author should not attempt a sex scene:

1. Refers to sex as "the procreation thing."

(Removed item: "Learned metaphors from One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez." I still think it's funny, but it doesn't work if you haven't read the book in question. And if you haven't - don't. It's disgusting.)


Blogger Chestertonian Rambler said...

I dunno...what if you were to combine them all together.....

11:57 PM  
Blogger Chestertonian Rambler said...

Also, how about:

Is writing a book in which the plot has no potential whatsoever to include a sex scene? That might eliminate certain authors.

11:59 PM  
Anonymous someone said...

keeps muttering about "skill ranks" in "Seduction"

1:09 AM  
Anonymous Michael said...

10. Learned romantic banter from Michael and/or Brewfan.

Yo, chickie, do you really think I can't sweet-talk the panties off of the bitches?

1:22 AM  
Blogger Anonymous Austinite said...

strip boggle, eh?

1:37 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Peel said...

nice one, someone. I was trying to come up with a D&D angle and got stuck...I'll put that one in there later.

Michael - yes, yes I do think that.

anon, we should totally play that again, but with hot guys this time.

7:13 AM  

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