09 January 2006

Spurwing and the Borg

So I was over at AOSHQ today and I found a little gem from their resident endangered species, Spurwing Plover, in this thread. (And for the record: I never heard of Chris Klein before Dr. Reo Symes found the interview that started the Chris Klein madness at AoS. Klein claims to have a way with the ladies, but Ace posted a couple pictures and he looks very effeminate, so I'm at a loss to explain his supposed success.)

(Off topic: while I was tracking down those posts, I ran across the one that links to the longlisted entries for the bad sex in fiction contest, and while rereading and laughing, found a link about '04's contest, which Tom Wolfe won. After having read those entries as well, I still say "Like Zorro" is the best sentence ever written.)

Anyway, Ace compares Klein to the Borg Queen, and Spurwing, in his typical fashion, remarked:
The borg queen isa liberal just listen to everything the borg say the borgs are liberal
Spurwing always writes like this, but he generally does have a point buried deep within his labyrinthine prose. So, I got to thinking about the Borg. Just what do they have to say?

(I would totally wear that shirt that says "Resistance is Futile if <1 Ω.")

The Borg tell us that resistance is futile and we will be assimilated. Also, they remark that our culture will adapt to service them. I suppose Spurwing could have a point, but if you want my opinion, the typical Borg greeting sounds a lot more like the Islamists' goals.

That's all I have to say about that. Thinking about the Borg reminded me of the scene just prior to the Battle of Wolf 359, when Locutus announced, "I am Locutus of Borg. From this time forward, you...will service usssss," and Commander Riker, his jaw set, said grimly, "Mister Worf...fire."

And then "To Be Continued" was emblazoned across the screen and I howled with fury.

Anyway, I would have bought the DVD of Captain Picard-themed episodes if it had included "Dathon," which my dad and I call "Dathon and Picard at El-Adrel," and the Cardassian capture two-parter, which I like to call "THERE ARE...FOUR LIGHTS!!" But instead the DVD was all over "The Inner Light," which I never thought was so great. So an alien species got in Picard's brain and made him live through some other dude's life and taught him how to play a recorder. Big f'n deal. In my day, we learned how to play the recorder in 6th grade, and we didn't get any Hugo Awards for it. In fact, we had to make our own recorders out of bamboo and reeds. And not the kind that grow around here, either. No, we had to travel to Asia on our own dime, which we earned by turning in bottles and delivering papers, and harvest the appropriate plants while keeping an eye out for ferocious man-eating tigers. And we liked it. We loved it.

One last random note: I watch the first five minutes of CSI: Miami every Monday night because David Caruso usually delivers a really good line. (By "really good" I of course mean "unintentionally hilarious," and by "delivers" I mean "intones melodramatically while fiddling with his sunglasses.") He didn't have one tonight, but the first five minutes were worth watching anyway. The episode started off with a big party. On the second floor, looking out over the party, three men were standing. One guy, whom I'll call the Alpha Heterosexual, coached the other two, saying, "Pick a target, and go after her. Close the deal by the end of the night!" The two betas hastened to obey his instructions.

Beta Heterosexual #1 complimented his victim on her hair, then asked, "Are those extensions?"

"Take it somewhere else," she replied, by which she evidently meant, "Wow, thanks for the attention, but get out of my face." She turned and walked away.

Beta #1 started to follow her, but Alpha caught his arm and said, "Hey, we don't chase. Ever."

At that point, I said, "And we don't placate!" and burst out laughing.

Moments later, we discover that Alpha runs a seminar in which he trains men to pick up women. I was very amused. But then I changed the channel to Whose Line because I can't stand all the gore on CSI. So I'll never know who killed Beta #2.

I suspect the chick he was hitting on, though. You can never trust those blondes.

8 Comments:

Blogger Russ said...

Damn woman. You are HILARIOUS. The Wisdom of the Spurwing is worthy of study, and someday it will be taught in school along with Sun Tzu and Machiavelli.

Chris Klein-isms during CSI:Miami? Why do I suspect that Chris and David have "more in common than is publicly known" ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo.

9:46 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Peel said...

I get a kick out of Spurwing's posts. I've been very tempted to email him and find out just what his deal is. I may fabricate a blog post based on such an exchange...

Oh, I know what you mean about those two. I know all too well.

10:50 PM  
Blogger Brian B said...

Dathan was one of my favorite episodes of that show ever.

And I too meditate on the Tao of Spurwing Plover.

1:07 PM  
Blogger Slublog said...

Spurwing is awe-inspiring. Caruso should start using Spurwing quotes as his quips at the beginning of the show.

Imagine. The crew is standing over the body of a man who has fallen from a high-rise. Caruso takes off his sunglasses, looks toward the roof, and says "Sky diving from outer space i saw this on a episode of the 60s sci fi series LOST IN SPACE" (real spurwing quote).

Cue "The Who."

1:43 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Peel said...

LOL, slublog. But you forgot the dramatic pause and re-donning of the sunglasses right after "series."

3:07 PM  
Blogger Knemon said...

Many's the time I've tried to construct the man behind the bird.

How old is he? Impossible to tell -his pop culture/political references range from now all the way back to the 60s (50s?), with no pattern that I can tell.

Is he a southerner? Californian? (Perhaps the distribution of actual, winged spurwing plovers might provide some clue).

Whatever the case, I hereby nominate you as Dean of the School of Plover Studies. Yours was the first google hit about, rather than by, SP (as we kids call him).

5:15 PM  
Blogger Knemon said...

"we have plenty of show here
in SISKIYOU COUNTY
CALFORNIA"

Aha!

Right on the second guess!

5:21 PM  
Blogger Knemon said...

"i can remmeber when
STAR TREK first came on"

And double aha!

So he's at least 45 ...

5:23 PM  

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