04 February 2006

Open Letter to People Who Design Those Little Packages for Contacts

Has it ever occurred to you geniuses that people's hands are wet when they open these things, and a material other than slippery metallic film would be useful? Look, I know the thing has to be sealed, but couldn't you at least put some ridges on the pull tab? That part doesn't come in contact with the fluid.

And who thought it would be a good idea to put the contents under pressure so that when we finally get a good enough grip on the film to pull it away, a thin stream of fluid shoots out and hits us directly in the eye? Ridges would help with that, too, because they would allow the package to be opened more steadily.

I've just given you guys an idea worth countless millions of customer satisfaction for absolutely free. I hope you appreciate it, but I know you won't, you sadistic bastards. You probably spend every Saturday morning chuckling in the knowledge that across the country, thousands of people are attempting to put in a fresh pair of contacts and are getting squirted in the eye, and that eye-squirting is only one annoyance of a process that takes far longer than it needs to thanks to your shoddy design work.

Mrs. Peel

(I know this post probably didn't make much sense to those of you who don't wear contacts or glasses and have never observed the process of trying to open one of these packages. I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I resent you people with your damn 20/20 vision. And I resent the way you hop around flaunting it. "Look at me, I don't have to wear glasses! I can be a pilot! When I wake up in the morning, I can see more than one foot in front of my face!" I hate you all.)

(By the way, I'm probably getting some new readers because of guest-blogging at Ace's this weekend, so to clarify for the benefit of those who aren't familiar with my style or weird sense of humor: this post is a joke.)


Anonymous someone said...

You'd be getting more readers if you were actually linked anywhere on Ace's site, which you're not...

1:54 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Peel said...

Yeah, I haven't had an excuse yet (although Dave did link me in his Texas post). But it's been slow over there, so I may put up my anti-Seattle post and let the feathers fly.

3:53 PM  
Anonymous Hawkeye said...

On behalf of the 20/20 community I sincerely offer my condolences for your plight, and apologies for our flaunting our perfect vision.

And thanks for the visual of the eye-squirting. I can clearly see how annoying that must be. Oops, there we go again with the flaunting.


10:55 PM  
Anonymous geoff said...

I know you're an Aggie 'n all, but you should strive to be smarter than the package. Of course I'm sure there's an Aggie solution - something like "I'll close my eyes until I get the contacts in!"

6:22 AM  
Blogger JFH said...

Two words, Mrs. Peel, Lasik surgery... I had it 6 months ago and don't regret it

7:34 AM  
Anonymous Michael said...

Yay Pittsburgh! High five, Mrs. Peel.

9:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes they respond Mrs. Peel, if their livelihood is threatened. I've been amused watching the Zicam folks try to figure out their packaging problems, for their Cold Remedy Nasal Swabs. They've gone through 4 iterations of "package breaks and you have to cut it open", "package instructions for opening are too damn confusing", to "package opens now but you get that anti-cold goop all over your frickin hands" to "this one seems ok, do we still have any customers left"?

Dave in Texas

3:09 PM  
Blogger Spindrift said...

Hi, I was surfing the internet and here I am at your blog. I'm quite impressed , with how you have put it all together.

I'll be coming back again.


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3:28 PM  

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