17 February 2006

Pun Thread

Something else to keep y'all busy while I work. I'll get you started.



Q: What's green and sings?
A: Elvis Parsley.

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
Ba-doom-tssshh!

A pirate walks into a bar. He's got a giant steering wheel in his groin. The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel in your crotch," and the pirate says, "Arrr, I know. 'Tis drivin' me nuts!"

A woodpecker walks into a bar and asks, "Hey, is the bartender here?"

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "Hey, how much for a drink?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge!"

Q: What's a tachyon?
A: A gluon that's not quite dry yet.

An atom is walking down the street when another atom suddenly bumps into him and knocks him down. "Oh no! Are you all right?" the second atom asks. "No," replies the first atom, "I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive!"

Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was assaulted.

I never could figure out how Chris Widger got 18,449 votes for the All-Star game, considering the Expos had only 2 fans. I eventually figured the decimal point was in the wrong place, so that he got 1844.9 votes. The 0.9? Obviously the vote of someone under the control of a ghost, because possession is nine-tenths of the law.

The first delivery by Chinese boat was junk mail.



And yes, these were supposed to make you laugh, so don't tell me no pun in ten did.

Update 18 Feb 12:10 P.M.:

Click to view the finale of Mrs. Peel's Jokes Go Unappreciated Week.

(I "drew" a webcomic called Borealis DuQuesne off and on for a couple years. Mrs. Peel's Jokes Go Unappreciated was one of my favorite weeks. That's me and my ex-fiancé in the last panel.)

104 Comments:

Blogger Mrs. Peel said...

Wait, wait, I have a good one.

A local high school was having a remembrance of World War II, and invited a former pilot to speak. The man had a thick Swedish accent, and much hilarity on the parts of the students ensued when he described their dogfights against "Fockes." Finally, the principal got up and went to the microphone. "Kids," he explained, "Focke was a German airplane manufacturer. Isn't that right, sir?"

"Sure!" said the pilot. "But these Fockes were Messerschmitts!"

8:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh you were dyin to do that green and sings thing.

you are warned. don't try to out pun me.

I will knock your other leg clean off.

d in t

9:49 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Peel said...

Well, that one is actually my dad's favorite pun...I'm more into subatomic particle puns, as you can see.

Anyway, bring it, old man.

9:59 PM  
Anonymous Mark A. Flacy said...

"Balls!" said the Queen.

And the King laughed, because he had to.

10:12 PM  
Anonymous Michael said...

Wait, wait, I have a good one.

OK, I'm waiting.

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A man graduates from bus driver's school, his first assignment was the Sesame Street route.

At his first stop, he picked up a cow. When she got on the bus, she said, "Hello. My name is Patty."

He replied, "Hello, Patty. Since you are the first one on, you get your choice of seats."

She waddled on back and sat down. At the next stop he picked up another large girl. As she got on, she said, "Hi there. My name is Patty."

He answered, "That's unusual. The other passenger is also named Patty. Why don't you go back and sit on the other side of the aisle and talk to her. Maybe you have more in common than just your name."

She went on back and sat opposite the other Patty and struck up a conversation. At the next stop, a little boy got on and said, "Hi! My name's Ross. I'm special. My mom says I'm special. My dad says I'm special. I'm Ross. And I'm special.

The driver replied, "sit your special ass down Ross.

The last stop he picked up Lester. Normal kid.


As he was driving to school, he looked in his mirror and saw that Lester had taken his socks off and draped them over the seat in front of him, and was picking his feet.

He called back, "Lester! What'cho doing?"

Lester called back, "I've got bunions, and they're bothering me."

At the next corner, the driver stopped the bus, got off, went to a pay phone, and called the bus garage. "I quit!" he said.

The garage dispatcher asked why.

He replied, "It's my first day on the job, and already I have 2 large Pattys, special Ross and , Lester picking bunions on the Sesame Street Run!"


d n t

2:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was he the best pitcher that ever threw a baseball? Back in the 1950s, there were a lot of folks who thought so. Mel Famey of the Milwaukee Braves was a natural -- a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon whose fast ball blew away the best hitters. His 90 MPH curveball would start out like it was going to hit the batter's ear, only to break at the last instant and hit the outside corner of the plate for a strike. His changeup made the best hitters in the league cry -- they would swing, drop the bat, and stare incredulously as the ball hit the catcher's mitt. He was indeed awesome!

Why then, you might ask, is he not in the Hall of Fame? Why haven't you ever heard of him? Alas, like many others before him, Mel's downfall was demon alcohol. Ol' Mel really liked to tilt the glass. His drinking became almost legendary around the country, but he never let it affect his pitching until ...

The Braves and the Yankees were in the World Series! Excitement reigned! The series was tied at three games apiece, and the Braves were in New York for the seventh and deciding game. The night before the big event, Mel's thirst got the better of him. He snuck out of the hotel after curfew, and bought himself two cases of beer. As you might imagine, the next morning Mel didn't feel too good. But being the pro that he was, Mel managed to do just fine -- until the bottom of the ninth inning. With the Braves ahead by one run, two out, and the bases loaded, Mel's revelry the night before finally caught up to him. Eight straight pitches -- eight straight balls. He walked in the tying run and the winning run, thereby, losing the game and the series.

After the game, a reporter went to the jubilant Yankee's clubhouse and spoke to the last two players that faced Mel. "Tell me", he asked, "to what do you attribute this victory over the best pitcher in the major leagues"? In unison they replied,

"It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"!

-- you know who

9:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When she told me I was average she was just being mean.


dint

9:57 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Peel said...

Well, Dave, sadism is the standard deviation of the mean.

10:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One
says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"


surrender!

d in t

11:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dang, you did that one. ok.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says,
"Why?! I'm a fun guy!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the
bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home
town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have
the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge
fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "Whats with the fancy plate?" The
waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"


surrender!

dint

11:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison?

He was a small medium at large.

dint

11:31 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Peel said...

I'll never surrender. Unfortunately I have a lot of homework to do, but I'll leave you with the following thought:

There was an old fellow named Chan who owned a souvenir shop in Chinatown. He sold small wooden figurines made of teak, tea, firecrackers, lily bulbs, and so forth. One day, he noticed that several of his wooden figurines seemed to be missing. He took careful inventory, and noted over the next few days that his figurines were, in fact, going missing at the rate of several a night. So that night, he hid himself in a corner of the shop to watch. Around midnight, a curious creature entered. It looked distinctly like a small, boy-sized bear. And in the moonlight, Chan saw that the bear had human feet, naked and hairless, with five toes. He waited until he saw the bear pick up a handful of figures, then leaped out and shouted...

"HALT, BOYFOOT BEAR WITH TEAKS OF CHAN!"

12:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A man in ancient Persia offends the king and is on the run. The king sends out his general and army to track him down.

The man decided to hide out in an abandoned ziggurat. He was tired, and cold, so he built a fire.

Unfortunately the smoke from the fire escaped through the top of the ziggurat and the general saw it. He captured the man and dragged him back to the king's cruel justice.

All because the searchin general had determined that smoking ziggurats are dangerous to your stealth.


you know who

12:45 PM  
Anonymous Enas Yorl said...

Y'all are incorrigible punsters. I don't want to incorrige you.

3:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*yawn*

Still waiting.

7:07 PM  
Anonymous geoff said...

An old fave (must suspend disbelief concerning geographical inconsistencies):

A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the animal hide with which they made their blanket. Thus, one woman might be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as Squaw of Deer Hide. This tribe had a particularly large and strong woman, with a very unique (for North America anyway) animal hide for her blanket. This woman was known as Squaw of Hippopotamus hide, and she was as large and powerful as the animal from which her blanket was made.

Year after year, this woman entered the tribal wrestling tournament, and easily defeated all challengers; male or female. As the men of the tribe admired her strength and power, this made many of the other woman of the tribe extremely jealous. One year, two of the squaws petitioned the Chief to allow them to enter their sons together as a wrestling tandem in order to wrestle Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide as a team. In this way, they hoped to see that she would no longer be champion wrestler of the tribe.

As the luck of the draw would have it, the two sons who were wrestling as a tandem met the squaw in the final and championship round of the wrestling contest. As the match began, it became clear that the squaw had finally met an opponent that was her equal. The two sons wrestled and struggled vigorously and were clearly on an equal footing with the powerful squaw. Their match lasted for hours without a clear victor. Finally the chief intervened and declared that, in the interests of the health and safety of the wrestlers, the match was to be terminated and that he would declare a winner.

The chief retired to his teepee and contemplated the great struggle he had witnessed, and found it extremely difficult to decide a winner. While the two young men had clearly outmatched the squaw, he found it difficult to force the squaw to relinquish her tribal championship. After all, it had taken two young men to finally provide her with a decent match. Finally, after much deliberation, the chief came out from his teepee, and announced his decision. He said...

"The Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

7:27 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Peel said...

Yeah, I like that one, geoff.

Didn't anyone like the Vocke-Messerschmitt one? That joke killed the last time I told it to a pilot. Maybe y'all are just too uneducated about WWII German fighter plane manufacturers. (Or, more likely, it doesn't work when it's read rather than spoken. D'oh!)

Unfortunately, I left my Great Pun Book at home. All the ones you guys have told so far (and most of mine) have been circulating around the 'net for a while...Anyway, the Great Pun Book is by Art Moger. One might say it's a work of Art.

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Michael said...

One might say it's a work of Art.

Hey! Something original!

10:43 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Peel said...

Actually, it's not. But the Chris Widger 0.9 one is. So is my joke that Mark McGwire is the Titian Terror, but no one ever gets that one.

On the topic of EngLit, it occurred to me today that I tend to dismiss anything by Whitman because of how grossed out I was (and still am) by the homoeroticism of "I Saw in Louisiana a Live Oak Growing." So would that be an ad homo-nem fallacy?

11:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A group of scientists were conducting experiments at a game reserve in Africa, on porpoises, seeking the secrets to eternal life. They found with special variations in diet, the porpoises' lives could be extended indefinitely. The staple of this diet was meat from baby seals.

But it must be given to them each day. Without this, the porpoises woud die. The seal-meat was brought in from the docks each day, until a dock-workers strike happened.

The scientists jumped in their jeeps, and headed for the coast, through a Kenyan game reserve, to keep their porpoises alive.

On their way back, at a narrow spot in the road, a majestic male lion lay across the path. They honked at him, threw rocks, yelled, but nothing they did would move the lion. On a game reserve, he was protected.

Realizing their porpoises would not last much longer, as much as they hated doing it, they drove over the lion and killed him.

Upon arrival at their camp, Kenyan authorities showed up, and charged them with transporting young gulls across the stately lion for immortal porpoises.

you. know. who.

12:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

surrender!

12:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's
Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

I am kicking your one-legged ass.

d in t

8:39 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Peel said...

Not really...you haven't posted a single one I haven't heard (or told) before. Are you going to trot out the old chestnut about chess nuts boasting in an open foyer next? Or maybe you'll get political and bring out the typical gnu and tiler, too. Or the super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

Anyway, there was a very famous conductor, who was the top of his profession. But one day, he made a small mistake. No one noticed it - not the audience, not the players - but he knew that he was no longer the perfect conductor he'd aspired to be all his life. So the next morning, he announced his retirement; and that evening, his boss showed up with a couple of enforcers. He was going to keep working, or else. The conductor sadly acquiesced, and went on working. But now he hated it as much as he had once loved it. So, he conceived a desperate plan. He concealed a handgun in his tuxedo, then after the performance, shot the tuba player, whom he'd never liked anyway, dead. He pleaded guilty and was sentenced to death. But on the fatal day, the executioner flipped the switch, and after the smoke cleared, the unrepentant murderer was left sitting in the chair, shaking his head. The guard tried to flip the switch again, but he was stopped by the warden, because if the prisoner survives his first execution attempt, he goes free. So the conductor headed back to his home, and found the enforcers waiting for him. He sighed, and returned to his career. But he was just as miserable as he'd been before, so this time, he brought a grenade to a performance and flung it into the middle of the violinists. And everything happened just as before, so that a few years later found him walking back to his house, smelling faintly of smoke and lightning. And once again, the enforcers were waiting, pounding their ham fists into their palms threateningly. He eyed them warily, then sighed and returned to working. But because he was so miserable, he built a bomb, and killed the entire audience. Miraculously, he survived, and was once again sentenced to death row. This time, the state took no chances. They prepared their most massive generator. From a safe distance, they flipped the switch, wincing as they saw lights blinking out all around. Then the warden and his guards cautiously approached the building, expecting to see the murderer lying dead. But there he was, sitting in the chair, resigned.

"Good Lord," blurted the warden, "how is this possible?"

The man sighed, and said, "I keep trying to tell you, I'm just a bad conductor."

9:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

awwright woman, this is it. You and me. High noon.

The WWII Brit spy Harry Lime was deployed in Norway from a United States Navy submarine. On his return, the captain of the boat noted that he seemed to be squinting excessively.

Upon arrival to the United States, the commander of the boat ordered Harry Lime to report to the eye doctor at Walter Reed hospital, to be fitted for corrective lenses,

his orders read "you are to proceed directly, from the sub Lime to the Reed occulist".



yes. you know who.

9:59 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Peel said...

A two-fer:

Some Eskimos were cold, and attempted to build a fire in their boat. Naturally, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Alternatively, a judge ruled that a man was guilty of bigamy, and informed him, "You can't have your Kate and Edith, too."

10:38 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Peel said...

My ex-fiancé once complained about Texas weather and said he wanted to live somewhere with four seasons again, and I said, "I'm pretty sure there's a Four Seasons in Houston somewhere." He rolled his eyes and said, "You know what I mean," and I said, "Ooh, now is the winter of our discontent!"

10:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You dragged out the kayak pun. It's rope a dope now.

Just like the pig said on the way the the slaughterhouse, "this is going to bring out the worst in us".

9:06 AM  
Blogger Hal said...

Ooh! I want in!

Why does hamburger have less energy than steak? Because it's in a ground state!

Bwa ha ha! Science jokes.

6:35 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Peel said...

Nice one, Hal!

I always liked the Futurama episode when the crew goes to the "quantum horse races" and there's a photo finish, and the professor complains, "No fair! You altered the outcome by measuring it!"

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