17 February 2006

Ultimate Matchups

I believe I've answered some eternal questions that plague the mind of many a nerd.

Ultimate John:
Jonnie Goodboy MacTyler versus John Carter, fighting man of Virginia.

There are three parts of this battle:
  • unarmed: hand-to-hand, no holds barred
  • armed: Jonnie has a kill-club; John Carter has his swords, radiation gun, etc.
  • full-on army action: Jonnie aided by his gratuitous medieval Scotsmen, the Russian Red Army, and a bunch of Buddhist monks; John Carter leading the red, green, black, white, and yellow men of Barsoom
Personally, I give the first two to John Carter, no hesitation. I'd like to give him the third as well, but the trouble is gravity. If the battle is fought on Earth, the Barsoomians don't stand a chance; but if the battle is fought on Barsoom, the Earthlings are super-strong. Maybe the battle should be fought immediately after the Earthlings land on Barsoom, before they have time to adjust.

If you could resolve the gravity issue, I think the Barsoomians would win hands down. Otherwise, I think it goes to the MacTyler.

Overall, the Warlord of Barsoom takes two out of three, and is the champion.

Ultimate Tag-Team:
Here's a troublesome matchup. On the one side, you have Sauron, aided by three teenage wizards. On the other, Lord Voldemort, aided by four hobbits.

Given that Sauron is a Maia and Voldemort at least used to be a human, we'll level the playing field as much as possible by pitting pre-Ring Sauron vs. post-Horcrux Voldemort.

On the other hand, maybe it should be post-Ring Sauron, without the Ring. Because then both he and Voldemort can't be killed until their objects are destroyed. But the difference is that destroying the Ring is an insta-kill, but destroying the Horcruxes isn't (as far as we know). Maybe that would help make up for Sauron's Maian advantage, though.

Of course, what would really happen is that the kids and the hobbits would join forces and kill both Voldemort and Sauron. And Harry would probably bite the dust, too. Sorry, man.

Ultimate Strategist:
Batman versus Grand Admiral Thrawn.

I gotta go with Thrawn here. While Batman is the coolest comic book superhero by far, Grand Admiral Thrawn is the absolute coolest villain EVER. He'd just have to get one look inside Wayne Manor and he'd know everything about Batman. And don't tell me Batman is a secret identity. You think Thrawn wouldn't find it out? Please.

Notice that Thrawn was never beaten. He died because of his own mistake, not because of anything the New Republic did. The New Republic didn't stand a chance against him in fair fight, so they assassinated him. (Ok, so Rukh may have been acting on his own, or on orders from his matriarch, but my point stands.)

Any thoughts?

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