28 March 2006

Michael's Words of Wisdom

From his "blog":
MICHAEL'S GUIDELINES FOR MEN ATTEMPTING TO COMMUNICATE WITH WOMEN:

1. For starters, any man who thinks he just had a conversation with a woman where you were both in complete agreement is a fool.

2. You and she do not have a common vocabulary.

3. Even if you did have a common vocabulary, 90% of the conversation was nonverbal and you missed it.

4. The most important conversations with women are when they are really pissed off. Because they are essentially generous, they will try to dumb down the communication channel to Plain English so you can understand. You should pay attention.

Michael is a purveyor of truth like none other. Heed him well.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Michael said...

Shit. I guess I forgot to put a copyright notice on that remark.

That advice took 33 years of marriage to acquire (I got married at the age of 12), and was probably worth about $6M in royalties once I expanded it into a book.

Oh well, guess I'll go to work tomorrow.

7:26 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Peel said...

Michael, I will be happy to send you a check for 100% of the revenues I receive from my blog.

8:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Even if you did have a common vocabulary, 90% of the conversation was nonverbal and you missed it.

Not as long as 90% of the non-verbal cues were coming from her chestular region. Because I did not miss a thing that was going on around there.

... Wait. Did I miss your point?

-- The Comish (sic)

10:16 PM  
Blogger Chestertonian Rambler said...

Hah! I disagree with all of that!

(Sigh. I forget how good it feels to be purposefully foolish.)

11:05 PM  
Blogger Monty said...

I am convinced that my marriage didn't work out because I made the mistake of believing what she said.

Me: Are you okay? You're kinda quiet.
She (quietly): I'm fine.
Me: You sure? If something's bothering you, we can talk about it.
She (quietly, but huffily): Nothing's wrong! Jeez, get off my back, willya?
Me: Well...okay. I'm gonna watch baseball.
She (screaming): You thoughtless, insensitive bastard!!
Me: Wha?

And this wasn't even during the Dreaded Days of PMS. Finally it got to the point that I didn't even care any more. I was tired of her moods, tired of her insistence that I be on the same "frequency" as she was, and mystified at her capability to manufacture personal insults out of the most innocuous things. Example: she sees two teen girls at the mall, whispering to each other and giggling in the way that young girls do. My ex-wife would then simply assume the girls were making fun of us in some obscure way and go into a slow burn for the next two hours. It made her a real pain in the ass to be around.

I, on the other hand, was a constant source of cheer and good will to my fellow men. Never a foul mood, intemperate remark, or release of bodily effluent. Honest!

1:35 PM  
Anonymous geoff said...

I am convinced that my marriage didn't work out because I made the mistake of believing what she said.

That, or it could've been the toilet seat.

1:44 PM  
Blogger Dave in Texas said...

I've lived with at lease 3 girls in the home most of my life... I haven't left the seat up since November of 1989

4:48 PM  
Anonymous Slublog said...

I've lived with at lease 3 girls in the home most of my life... I haven't left the seat up since November of 1989

Crack that whip!

Heh heh.

Okay, I admit. I haven't left the seat up since getting married.

6:12 PM  
Blogger Dave in Texas said...

dude, when you hear a 2 year old fall in at 3 am, you will be cured forever.

she's 20 now and I still feel bad about that.

11:38 PM  

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